"Whose Approval Counts?" (Proverbs 29:25)

Who do we seek approval from?

When we want to feel appreciated and valued where do we look?

Who do we look to for acceptance?

The need for approval and acceptance is something planted deep within us, as is evident from an early age. The thoughts and opinions of parents matter to their children. What my mother and father thought about me as I was growing up meant a whole lot. Their thoughts and opinions could crush me or lift me in a moment. As we are made for relationship we are also made for approval, and though our parents are often the first ones to give this (or withhold it from us), the truth is that we seek this approval from others all the time. Our sense of approval consciously or unconsciously affects our thoughts, choices and actions every day [with acknowledgement to Jonathan K Dodson here].

This can also lead to ‘appearance management’ (or, ‘impression management’), where we try to be more than we are; we ‘fluff up’ our resume a bit, or talk ourselves up because we just want to be accepted. Ultimately though, the truth will be seen, and in any case, this doesn’t really make us feel any better. We are trying to enhance our reputation ahead of developing our character.

Sometimes we need so much applause.

I know that sometimes when I have posted something on Facebook, I have waited and hoped a certain person will put a ‘like’ there. This is but one example of seeking to build our own feeling of self-worth on the basis of what another person might think. Needing human approval sets up co-dependencies. Men can be dependent on the approval of women, and women on the approval of men. Men seek approval from other men, women from other women. All this is fraught with danger! This is because many times what we think we need, we just do NOT get.

We seek approval from those who are just as broken, if not more broken, than ourselves. If we look into a broken mirror we will only see distorted messages. People often set themselves up as judges, but mostly are not very good ones (judges). And we can be really undone through the criticism of others. This leads to broken relationships, and the inability to deal with relationships properly.

We know the negative power of internalising the non-acceptance of others (as if this is all there is to be known). Sometimes our habit of negative self-talk means that we only hear statements of disapproval.

We want to be liked, accepted and included; we don’t want to be left out.

An ‘approval addiction’ is based on the false idea that I can’t like me unless you like me. This very thing would tend to compromise our behaviour at times, behaving in ways aimed at inclusion, rather than growing who we really are. Rather than doing what is right for us, we do what is desired by others according to their agenda. We sometimes say “yes” to something we really didn’t want to do. We do and say different things for different people, depending upon the predicted response, thus fracturing our lives. We can start to be led by the wrong people down a slippery slope! Sometimes this occurs in something of an unconscious blind spot for us – something that we don’t really recognise in ourselves.

Others don’t want to be challenged by us, so they will seek to get us to conform to their image. A guy called Jesus resisted this himself many times in his life.

So many people bring a variety of expectations of us, some fair, some not so fair. Trying to address such expectations or please these people can leave us in a spin, tied up in knots. This is such a trap! I’ve been here!! I can talk about this with some personal experience. I used to desire approval from my teachers … and I was destroyed when I didn’t get it. For others it might be a colleague, a teammate, a coach, or a partner. And I know that it can be a long journey to that point of no longer internalising negatives. I’m probably still on that journey.

This proverb (29:25), like so many in the Bible, really makes sense:

The fear of others lays a snare, but one who trusts in the Lord is secure.

It’s not that we’re afraid of other people so much (although sometimes we may be), it’s more that we’re deeply concerned with what they think about us or say about us.

Another version of this proverb (from “The Message”) reads:

The fear of human opinion disables, trusting in God protects you from that.

People in the public eye get a lot of feedback … in the newspapers, in social media. The poison tongue of human opinion can disable a person (in a spiritual and emotional sense) just as much as being hit by a bus can (in a physical sense).

People playing competitive sport get all sorts of things yelled at them over the fence (as do umpires). For followers of AFL, think of Adam Goodes, and all the commentary he had to deal with. I’m not saying Adam Goodes is an approval seeker per say, but using him as an example of what sporting people in the limelight, and many others, have to endure. Some people say to people like Adam Goodes that they should ‘harden up’. Really!?! This would not be any sort of solution for a person struggling with the opinion of others – it just represses them and isolates them further.

People struggling with the criticism of others need healthy and encouraging community around them to help rebuild their sense of value. If it is often said, that it takes at least one hundred pieces of real encouragement to offset one cutting putdown. Yet what is needed is for us to start with that first single offer of encouragement.

As natural as it is at times, we should NOT look to others for our approval or sense of value. Only God can really fill this void.

For those of us who believe in God, there is another way.

The Bible suggests (in the very same proverb) that there is safety in trusting in God.

How so?!? The world has the appearance of a dangerous place.

Where is the security in trusting in God?

This trust would be based on an unconditional love that reaches out beyond any offences, shortcomings and personality flaws.

God has created us all in God’s own image, and therefore only sees potential.

God loves us all intimately and has a purpose for our lives.

God rejects no one who comes for help.

As we shall soon reflect on over Easter … God sent his son Jesus into the world to show us how much he cares for us.

God is available to us every day in every situation.

When life gets on top of us, God wants to hug us.

There is our value – there is our approval – let us reflect on that!

The Christian Gospel promotes that we can embrace God, and then learn to be our true self.

A new appreciation of God’s radical love can break through all the old cruel remarks that have burned into out brain over the years. The approval that God brings can liberate us from damage done in the past; and when the next cruel remark or unthinking action occurs, we can more easily ignore it, and forgive it, and NOT internalise it – because all our sense of value rests in God. This level of security is deep and enduring. The only thing we should internalise is God’s gracious love, and the caring and encouraging voices that are speaking to us on God’s behalf. We have been rescued from the need for human approval.

What the young people of our town need are good supporters. Good supporters are those whose hearts and hands are full of love and encouragement. This follows an ultimate example. God is a loving parent and a keen supporter and a loyal friend.